One of THOSE days

Every so often I have a day which for some inexplicable reason puts me in a mood that can only be described as the lowest of lows. I used to try and hide it. I felt shameful that I wasn't happy everyday or even just content. Now, I know that is just ridiculous. Most people have days when they don't want to get out of bed and face the world. Unfortunately when I have one of these days, I really can't afford the luxury of laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself.
Now hold onto your hats folks, because this is about to get heavy.

I can't remember a time when I didn't deal with depression. My mum says I was a happy kid, but I can remember the feeling of a black cloud hanging over me as well as I can remember the day I got stuck on top of the monkey bars when I was 5. When I was a teenager I was a pain in the ass to live with. My depression had me acting out and trying to hurt the people who loved me. Kind of like a test, to see just how much i could get away with before they would stop loving me. Of course I realise this now. Back then even I don't know what I was thinking.

The first time I was put on anti-depressants was when I was 19. Before that my mother had taken me to the local GP in the small town we lived in and had me put on the pill to try to regulate "my mood swings." As it turns out these "mood swings" weren't because I was going through puberty and will most probably continue for the rest of my life.

A couple of months after I went on anti-depressants my doctor discovered I had an under-active thyroid. This can also contribute to messed up hormone levels. Not to mention the excess weight I had steadily put on since I was a teenager. Not realising how serious my condition was I stopped taking my thyroid medication.

Fast forward a couple of years down the track and I was off all medication and had just found out I was pregnant with Lily. The doctor put me back on thyroid medication (an inactive thyroid can seriously hinder a baby's brain development during pregnancy) and throughout the course of my pregnancy I lost a staggering 30kgs. Not too mention it was the happiest anyone I knew had ever seen me. Apparently being pregnant really agreed with me.

But when Lily was born the doctor put me on the mini pill. A brief period of hell and we discovered that I had postnatal depression and and form of contraceptive pill will make my depression worse.

Eventually, when Lily was 3, I finally met a doctor who listened to my extensive medical history and diagnosed me with bi-polar. People ask me how I felt when I was given that diagnosis. Truth is I had started to suspect this was the case after watching a documentary by Stephen Fry on his own battle with the disease. Scary similarities in that one let me tell you. So when the doctor shared his diagnosis, all I felt was relief. Now I knew what was wrong with me I could deal with it. Sure it was scary but after so long of feeling like I had no control, I suddenly had the bull by the horns. The doctor put me on some meds but I had an allergic reaction to it so he advised me to stop taking them and in a couple of weeks we would find a new pill.

Other health issues had me consulting a new doctor who did blood test and found out I was vitamin D deficient as well. For the first time a doctor asked me if I would like a script or if I would like to try and deal with my condition without medication. That was a shock. By all accounts someone with mental illness should definitely be on medication and I am in no way advocating going without the drugs for anyone else. However my doctor and I have come up with a plan to try and combat something which has haunted me my whole life. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say on most days I handle my illness very well.

Days like today they come and go. Some things do trigger these days and I try to remind myself that they will pass. I think of all the things I have to be grateful for and hang on for the ride. Bi-Polar is not like some other forms of depression where you can snap yourself out of it, you just have to hang in there or be medicated. So for as long as I choose not to be medicated, I will hang in there.

Thanks for reading
xxx

Tonight I Burnt The Pizza

The title of this post may seem trivial, but after weeks of having no inspiration at all looking at the blackened round little pizzas it was like something clicked in my mind.
My daughter is a creature of simple tastes, she likes tv, chocolate, fanta, chicken nuggets, apples and mini pizzas. A trend I am sure will not continue through her life as already the dreaded fashion monster is rearing his ugly head. But more on that later.
Most of the time I battle to try and get her to eat something other than the junky food she likes but tonight I was feeling lazy, so I went to the freezer and pulled out (shock horror) a ham and pineapple mini pizza. I put it in the oven with absolutely none of the finesse of a french chef and promptly forgot about it. That is until a little voice drifted to me "I can smell my pizza cooking" (insert expletive here!)
A mad dash to the kitchen was actually quiet pointless because the pizza was charcoal and for a brief second i wondered if she would eat it. LOL
So now I have more pizza cooking and even though maybe this was a sign to get off my lazy butt and cook her something decent, I am choosing to take it as a sign that it is time to get back to my writing. See how that works out to my benefit? You like what I did there?

There are many things I love writing about. I love writing about the way the rain looks pouring down outside my bedroom window in the afternoon, or how pretty the stars are at night when you are in the middle of nowhere. I like replying to text messages and making my friends laugh. I love writing to my boyfriend and telling him about my day.
But I love writing about my girl most of all. Every now and then I am reminded of how she has this unique personality. A blending of her dad, her step-mum and me. But there is something else there. Something that is purely Lily. Like when she looks me dead in the eye and tells me that you CAN wear blue socks with pink shoes. ( There is that fashion thing I was telling you about) Or when she thinks no-one is watching and she twirls on the spot because she is happy. Some may say it's innocence, but I hope it's not. I hope that one day when she is my age I will catch her twirling on the spot because she is happy and will remember writing this.

Meanwhile the second lot of pizza is cooked, served and being munched on with a big tomato grin plastered on a 4 year old's face. And maybe I should feel bad that my daughter isn't eating a nutritious dinner tonight. Instead I hope I catch her twirling.

Goodnight Bright Stars
xxx

Birthday of Happyness

It was my birthday this weekend. Turns out I have a lot to be happy about. Some of my wonderful friends turned  up to my house to eat, drink and share in the general merriment that was my birthday. I received gifts and cuddles galore. As far as birthday's go this one was a great one. I've had my fair share of un-exciting and un-eventful birthdays. One year I even had myself convinced that I had gotten the day wrong. But this year was well and truly the opposite. From the well wishes on my FB wall to the phone calls and texts from loved ones, I felt so special and really loved.

Which got me to thinking, why don't more people feel this love on any given day of the year?
For me it's simple. One day of the year that is about you specifically. Where people celebrate the momentous occasion that is the anniversary of your birth. Expecting more than one day is kind of greedy. If you want this feeling everyday, well its just not possible. You have to look for the love. Take a look into your partner's eyes and see the love they feel for you. Your friends show it with simple gestures or even just making time for you. But your kids (if you are lucky enough to have them) they show it everyday. Even when they are being shits. And  lets face it most kids know how to be shits on the days when you really need them to be angels.

Having been without the company of my own little shit for the better part of two weeks, I can tell you that I missed even the temper tantrums. Having a birthday that didn't even include an "I love you mummy" was kind of surreal. But she is back tomorrow and I guarantee by tomorrow night I will be completely exhausted by the time she goes to bed and yearning for the weekend where, to quote my gorgeous younger sister, "I didn't get drunk, I got more awesome."

So to those that helped me celebrate my escape from the womb 28 years ago, thank you and much love.
xxx