Every so often I have a day which for some inexplicable reason puts me in a mood that can only be described as the lowest of lows. I used to try and hide it. I felt shameful that I wasn't happy everyday or even just content. Now, I know that is just ridiculous. Most people have days when they don't want to get out of bed and face the world. Unfortunately when I have one of these days, I really can't afford the luxury of laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself.
Now hold onto your hats folks, because this is about to get heavy.
I can't remember a time when I didn't deal with depression. My mum says I was a happy kid, but I can remember the feeling of a black cloud hanging over me as well as I can remember the day I got stuck on top of the monkey bars when I was 5. When I was a teenager I was a pain in the ass to live with. My depression had me acting out and trying to hurt the people who loved me. Kind of like a test, to see just how much i could get away with before they would stop loving me. Of course I realise this now. Back then even I don't know what I was thinking.
The first time I was put on anti-depressants was when I was 19. Before that my mother had taken me to the local GP in the small town we lived in and had me put on the pill to try to regulate "my mood swings." As it turns out these "mood swings" weren't because I was going through puberty and will most probably continue for the rest of my life.
A couple of months after I went on anti-depressants my doctor discovered I had an under-active thyroid. This can also contribute to messed up hormone levels. Not to mention the excess weight I had steadily put on since I was a teenager. Not realising how serious my condition was I stopped taking my thyroid medication.
Fast forward a couple of years down the track and I was off all medication and had just found out I was pregnant with Lily. The doctor put me back on thyroid medication (an inactive thyroid can seriously hinder a baby's brain development during pregnancy) and throughout the course of my pregnancy I lost a staggering 30kgs. Not too mention it was the happiest anyone I knew had ever seen me. Apparently being pregnant really agreed with me.
But when Lily was born the doctor put me on the mini pill. A brief period of hell and we discovered that I had postnatal depression and and form of contraceptive pill will make my depression worse.
Eventually, when Lily was 3, I finally met a doctor who listened to my extensive medical history and diagnosed me with bi-polar. People ask me how I felt when I was given that diagnosis. Truth is I had started to suspect this was the case after watching a documentary by Stephen Fry on his own battle with the disease. Scary similarities in that one let me tell you. So when the doctor shared his diagnosis, all I felt was relief. Now I knew what was wrong with me I could deal with it. Sure it was scary but after so long of feeling like I had no control, I suddenly had the bull by the horns. The doctor put me on some meds but I had an allergic reaction to it so he advised me to stop taking them and in a couple of weeks we would find a new pill.
Other health issues had me consulting a new doctor who did blood test and found out I was vitamin D deficient as well. For the first time a doctor asked me if I would like a script or if I would like to try and deal with my condition without medication. That was a shock. By all accounts someone with mental illness should definitely be on medication and I am in no way advocating going without the drugs for anyone else. However my doctor and I have come up with a plan to try and combat something which has haunted me my whole life. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say on most days I handle my illness very well.
Days like today they come and go. Some things do trigger these days and I try to remind myself that they will pass. I think of all the things I have to be grateful for and hang on for the ride. Bi-Polar is not like some other forms of depression where you can snap yourself out of it, you just have to hang in there or be medicated. So for as long as I choose not to be medicated, I will hang in there.
Thanks for reading
xxx
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