A Whole Lot Of Crazy

I've just gotten home from doing my food shopping. Nothing inspiring there right? Wrong!

For a long time now I have seen and heard peoples comments about those of us who are unlucky enough to have to rely on the government for financial aid on a regular basis. Yep, that's right us "dole bludgers" who quite happily lead a life of financial freedom and never have to work yet drive around in nice cars wearing nice clothes and eating out everynight at all the best fastfood places, not to mention doing drugs and having a great old time pissing poor tax payers money up against the wall on the weekend.

Yep that's me, out everynight buying Jack Daniels by the carton and doing whatever the fuck I want while the government pay for it. Of course then I have to complain about how people just won't give me a fair go and how unfair it is that people think we should be drug tested cos they do it in the mining companies so why not to the people getting money for nothing?

Can you sense the sarcasm there? If not read back from the top until you catch up with me.

Now I am not saying there isn't people like that, because the stereotype had to come from somewhere, but I sure as shit am not one of them. This morning I got my government payments. I paid my rent, I put some fuel in my car and I did food shopping. And at the checkout I sweated over the total. $150 for a fortnight's worth of food, excluding fruits and vegetables which I had bought from the fruit and veg market cos it's a damn sight cheaper than the grocery store. Why was I sweating? Because it was over my budget and I now have left myself with not enough money to scratch my ass in the upcoming fortnight.

I live in a tiny little two bedroom duplex that, much to my darling cat's relief, is not big enough to swing a cat in. I rarely drive my car anywhere because I can't afford the petrol let alone tyres, rego and servicing. I pass up invitations to go out for dinner or to movies with friends because that is money that could be spent on clothing or feeding my child.

Oh and believe me I know what your thinking, "so go get a job!" Sounds simple enough until you factor in the fact that I would have to work those hours in around my daughter which pretty much leaves me with hospitality and retail which doesn't pay that great. Plus the second I have income coming in the government starts taking away money from me, so then it becomes some employer is paying me so little money that I still can't afford to scratch my butt, but hey I am not a drain on the taxpayers anymore right?
Or I could go fulltime, lose what little money I get at all and have to pay a fortune in daycare costs.
Still I would rather be working and earning a living than have to listen to people say that because I rely on the goivernment or that I am some sort of bludger. Like the lady at the grocery store today who quite loudly announced to another woman that her friend was on a single parent pension and seemed to be living the high life and then rudely tacked on "pity we can't all sit on our ass eating chocolate all day and have the government pay our bills for us"

Introduce me to this woman! I want to know how she survives because I am barely hanging in there and this woman obviously has a better system worked out than me. Oh and the drug testing thing opens up a whole new can of worms as far as I am concerned, where the hell does the government expect to get that money from? And do people really want to pay more taxes to check on that? Boggles the mind for me.

So just to set the record straight, I don't buy new clothes every week, I don't buy excessive amounts of alcohol and drugs, my kid isn't living on takeaway everynight and doesn't have all the latest and greatest toys and she isn't dressed in name brand clothing or shoes. Because even if I wanted to buy this stuff, I can't afford it.

But also just to be clear, I realise this post may make me a little bit unpopular, but it is just my rant and I always appreciate any comments, just try and remember I do have feelings and try not to go keyboard warrior on me.

Oh and I feel better now, back to my usual loving self.

Peace out
xxx

No Eggs, No Basket WTF?

You know the expression don't put all your eggs in one basket?Well what if you wake up one morning and fine some fucker has managed to find all your eggs and the basket and fucked off with the lot?

Maybe I should explain??? Here goes....

So after going to bed at what I thought was a pretty reasonable time of 11pm, I then woke up at 4.30am and realised I have completely stuffed my sleep cycle. 6 months of basically only napping during the day and at night so I could be online to talk to my "boyfriend" who lives in the UK when he was online, has really taken it's toll. Now I have to stay awake all day despite not getting enough sleep to try and alter my completely random sleeping pattern.

And while we are on the subject of the "boyfriend" who, I was so eager to go and see this time last week, he has now become the ex-boyfriend. In this very public forum all I will say is that we had an argument, and it didn't end well. In fact it ended with him deciding it was over. Which was pretty heart breaking at the time but now, at only just over 24 hours later, seems petty and ridiculous. Regardless of how I feel about him, in all honesty I can say now it probably wouldn't have worked between us anyway. But I did gain a lot from relationship and I learnt some pretty awesome things about myself. Plus now I feel that a lot of my trust issues have subsided. I mean really, if I can trust a guy who lives a million miles away, I will be able to trust the next guy who comes along who (hopefully) lives in the same city as me.

Then imagine my shock and horror when I opened my door this morning to C dropping off my child and looking at her for what felt like the first time in 6 months. I mean like really looking at her. Realising that I have been so tired and grumpy for the last 6 months that I became complacent as a mother. She is my kid, she will always be there and will always love me and I forgot that we used to be buddies. We used to hang out together and have fun, now she is reluctant to spend time with me. To be honest I don't blame her. It's time to get my little buddy back.

The final thing? I open my book that I once slaved over and  it consumed my creative soul and realise that it has been months since I looked at it properly. My last effort of work glares back at me with ill-concealed contempt. It's bad, really bad and I remember writing it. That's the worse part, I remember struggling to put each word on the screen. I feel physically ill at how I could let something I was so passionate about fall to pieces. So now I am editing like nobodies business. Which actually, feels kinda good.

So between the sleep, the ex, my buddy and my book, I feel like, some bastard stole my eggs and the basket too. It will be ok though, I have a plan and I'm going to put it into action. When I do, you can bet that this time those eggs and the basket will be guarded like fort knox. Lucy is back baby!

Ciao
xxxx

I'm trying to contain my excitement.....unsuccessfully

As the title of this blog implies, something has gotten me way more excited this week than usual and I am having trouble containing it. This news has my closest friends saying "woohoo Lucy!" and my extremely tolerant boyfriend laughing his ass off.

Some of you know that in October, boyfriend (mentioned above) was supposed to come visit me and that in itself was very exciting. Unfortunately due to unforeseen events this was made impossible. This was a crushing blow that definitely left me in the down and dreary pile for a long time. But we had something to look forward to, I was going to visit him in March next year and we would hold out until then.

Meanwhile plans had been made to visit my super awesome best friend, Krystal, in Tasmania for Christmas since I would be sans-spawn for the holiday season. This in itself was made more exciting by the announcement that said best friend had gotten engaged to her super awesome boyfriend, Jason. Add to that my new role as not only best friend, but also Maid of Honour (woot!) and my Christmas was looking pretty awesome.

So discussion between C (Father of my child) and I centred around whether my trip in March would be possible and it seemed to be just a bit inconvenient for him but I was unwilling to delay my trip for any longer. To the rescue! Super awesome best friend, Krystal, suggests the idea of me going to visit boyfriend instead of coming to her for Christmas. Many Many phone conversations later and it is decided...


I AM GOING TO THE UK FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

So there you have it folks, one happy Lucy, One laughing his ass of at my excitement boyfriend and close friends saying "woohoo Lucy!"

Love muchly
xxxx

The Unexplained Absence

Hello my name is Lucy and I am a terrible blogger.

Looking back at my blog and realising the last time I wrote anything was the 12th of June was a bit of a shock for me. When I first started blogging my intention was to blog 3 or 4 times a week. Oops!
I wish I could say it's because I have been working on my book, but truthfully it's because I have had a lot of stuff going on and have been in a dark frame of mind. In short my world has been tumbling down around my ears and telling everyone how I was failing at keeping my head above water seemed like something no-one else would want to read.
So what's changed? Nothing really, I'm still struggling but I have always used writing as a way to get through it and the last time I didn't it was disastrous. So today I have been re-reading over the work in my book and reading some of my friend's fabulous blogs and I felt brave enough to tell you all a little of what is going on with me.

I've always been part of the school of thought that life is not easy, and if it was it wouldn't be worth it. But the challenges that have been thrown at me lately have been just too much. Simple problems have seemed to huge and the huge problems have been weighing me down like a tonne of bricks. I have struggled everyday to find the good stuff. That's not to say I haven't found them, more that they had to jump out and attack me for me to see them. My daughter, my boyfriend, my family and my closest friends have all had to be in my face screaming that they love me for me to notice. Sometimes quite literally.

I've been my usual self-doubting, self-loathing and self-destructive self through all of it. I pushed away the people who cared about me most, refused to see what others see in me and cursed myself in the mirror. My self confidence is something I always deal with. For example my life always seems to be the one that others compare theirs to, to make themselves feel better.
Like, your boyfriend works away? It could be worse, Lucy's boyfriend lives across the other side of the world.
You're a single parent? You could meet someone and play happy families, Lucy is staying that way indefinitely.
You feel depressed? Lucy has bi-polar.
You're broke? Lucy has people who owe her money that are refusing to pay it back.
You feel like your friends have abandoned you? Lots of Lucy's "friends" are ignoring her. (the friends I do have that aren't ignoring me are quite obviously my true friends, but it still hurts to have phone calls and messages un-returned)

It goes on but I won't bore you with more of the details. But it goes without saying that I have been pretty down on myself. It's made me re-think whether I can handle not taking my bi-polar medication. Maybe it's time for me to admit that I can't deal with this and the medication may be the best thing I can do, not only for me but for the people that love me too.
With that said there are a few people I would like to say thankyou to, for both the sympathy and the multiple kicks in the butt.

Bri- Thanks for mopping up my tears and letting me lean when I needed to lean. And making me laugh when I thought there was no more giggles left inside of me.
Josie - thanks for not letting me get away with shit.
Jen- thanks for the supportive ear and the long distance hugs.
Rob- Thanks for always trying to remind me that there is a reason you love me, with hard ass attitude and soft, caring and gentle reminders.
Clinton- For being the one who doesn't tolerate my bullshit and reminds me of the important things.
Krystal- For making me laugh, cry and scream and picking me up when I'm not strong enough to get up on my own.
CJ- For just treating me as he always does no matter what. Sometimes that is important.
Dad - For telling me how much he loves me 2 days before I needed it.
Lily- for unconditional love that is innocent and pure.
and last but never least
Mum- For knocking me down, picking me up, cheering me on and sharing more than she is comfortable with in order to make me see the truth. Cos we all know that the truth is not always pretty but is always needed.

These are the people that remind me that I am here and it's better than the alternative. Other people touch my life on a regular basis, but these people have a huge impact and sometimes in my pit of despair I take them for granted and forget to say thankyou. It's easy to get bogged down in what is so shit about my life and hard to remember what is good. You guys are the reason there is a ray of sunshine on my darkest days.

See you soon
xxx