Hello my name is Lucy and I am a terrible blogger.
Looking back at my blog and realising the last time I wrote anything was the 12th of June was a bit of a shock for me. When I first started blogging my intention was to blog 3 or 4 times a week. Oops!
I wish I could say it's because I have been working on my book, but truthfully it's because I have had a lot of stuff going on and have been in a dark frame of mind. In short my world has been tumbling down around my ears and telling everyone how I was failing at keeping my head above water seemed like something no-one else would want to read.
So what's changed? Nothing really, I'm still struggling but I have always used writing as a way to get through it and the last time I didn't it was disastrous. So today I have been re-reading over the work in my book and reading some of my friend's fabulous blogs and I felt brave enough to tell you all a little of what is going on with me.
I've always been part of the school of thought that life is not easy, and if it was it wouldn't be worth it. But the challenges that have been thrown at me lately have been just too much. Simple problems have seemed to huge and the huge problems have been weighing me down like a tonne of bricks. I have struggled everyday to find the good stuff. That's not to say I haven't found them, more that they had to jump out and attack me for me to see them. My daughter, my boyfriend, my family and my closest friends have all had to be in my face screaming that they love me for me to notice. Sometimes quite literally.
I've been my usual self-doubting, self-loathing and self-destructive self through all of it. I pushed away the people who cared about me most, refused to see what others see in me and cursed myself in the mirror. My self confidence is something I always deal with. For example my life always seems to be the one that others compare theirs to, to make themselves feel better.
Like, your boyfriend works away? It could be worse, Lucy's boyfriend lives across the other side of the world.
You're a single parent? You could meet someone and play happy families, Lucy is staying that way indefinitely.
You feel depressed? Lucy has bi-polar.
You're broke? Lucy has people who owe her money that are refusing to pay it back.
You feel like your friends have abandoned you? Lots of Lucy's "friends" are ignoring her. (the friends I do have that aren't ignoring me are quite obviously my true friends, but it still hurts to have phone calls and messages un-returned)
It goes on but I won't bore you with more of the details. But it goes without saying that I have been pretty down on myself. It's made me re-think whether I can handle not taking my bi-polar medication. Maybe it's time for me to admit that I can't deal with this and the medication may be the best thing I can do, not only for me but for the people that love me too.
With that said there are a few people I would like to say thankyou to, for both the sympathy and the multiple kicks in the butt.
Bri- Thanks for mopping up my tears and letting me lean when I needed to lean. And making me laugh when I thought there was no more giggles left inside of me.
Josie - thanks for not letting me get away with shit.
Jen- thanks for the supportive ear and the long distance hugs.
Rob- Thanks for always trying to remind me that there is a reason you love me, with hard ass attitude and soft, caring and gentle reminders.
Clinton- For being the one who doesn't tolerate my bullshit and reminds me of the important things.
Krystal- For making me laugh, cry and scream and picking me up when I'm not strong enough to get up on my own.
CJ- For just treating me as he always does no matter what. Sometimes that is important.
Dad - For telling me how much he loves me 2 days before I needed it.
Lily- for unconditional love that is innocent and pure.
and last but never least
Mum- For knocking me down, picking me up, cheering me on and sharing more than she is comfortable with in order to make me see the truth. Cos we all know that the truth is not always pretty but is always needed.
These are the people that remind me that I am here and it's better than the alternative. Other people touch my life on a regular basis, but these people have a huge impact and sometimes in my pit of despair I take them for granted and forget to say thankyou. It's easy to get bogged down in what is so shit about my life and hard to remember what is good. You guys are the reason there is a ray of sunshine on my darkest days.
See you soon
xxx
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