I've just gotten home from doing my food shopping. Nothing inspiring there right? Wrong!
For a long time now I have seen and heard peoples comments about those of us who are unlucky enough to have to rely on the government for financial aid on a regular basis. Yep, that's right us "dole bludgers" who quite happily lead a life of financial freedom and never have to work yet drive around in nice cars wearing nice clothes and eating out everynight at all the best fastfood places, not to mention doing drugs and having a great old time pissing poor tax payers money up against the wall on the weekend.
Yep that's me, out everynight buying Jack Daniels by the carton and doing whatever the fuck I want while the government pay for it. Of course then I have to complain about how people just won't give me a fair go and how unfair it is that people think we should be drug tested cos they do it in the mining companies so why not to the people getting money for nothing?
Can you sense the sarcasm there? If not read back from the top until you catch up with me.
Now I am not saying there isn't people like that, because the stereotype had to come from somewhere, but I sure as shit am not one of them. This morning I got my government payments. I paid my rent, I put some fuel in my car and I did food shopping. And at the checkout I sweated over the total. $150 for a fortnight's worth of food, excluding fruits and vegetables which I had bought from the fruit and veg market cos it's a damn sight cheaper than the grocery store. Why was I sweating? Because it was over my budget and I now have left myself with not enough money to scratch my ass in the upcoming fortnight.
I live in a tiny little two bedroom duplex that, much to my darling cat's relief, is not big enough to swing a cat in. I rarely drive my car anywhere because I can't afford the petrol let alone tyres, rego and servicing. I pass up invitations to go out for dinner or to movies with friends because that is money that could be spent on clothing or feeding my child.
Oh and believe me I know what your thinking, "so go get a job!" Sounds simple enough until you factor in the fact that I would have to work those hours in around my daughter which pretty much leaves me with hospitality and retail which doesn't pay that great. Plus the second I have income coming in the government starts taking away money from me, so then it becomes some employer is paying me so little money that I still can't afford to scratch my butt, but hey I am not a drain on the taxpayers anymore right?
Or I could go fulltime, lose what little money I get at all and have to pay a fortune in daycare costs.
Still I would rather be working and earning a living than have to listen to people say that because I rely on the goivernment or that I am some sort of bludger. Like the lady at the grocery store today who quite loudly announced to another woman that her friend was on a single parent pension and seemed to be living the high life and then rudely tacked on "pity we can't all sit on our ass eating chocolate all day and have the government pay our bills for us"
Introduce me to this woman! I want to know how she survives because I am barely hanging in there and this woman obviously has a better system worked out than me. Oh and the drug testing thing opens up a whole new can of worms as far as I am concerned, where the hell does the government expect to get that money from? And do people really want to pay more taxes to check on that? Boggles the mind for me.
So just to set the record straight, I don't buy new clothes every week, I don't buy excessive amounts of alcohol and drugs, my kid isn't living on takeaway everynight and doesn't have all the latest and greatest toys and she isn't dressed in name brand clothing or shoes. Because even if I wanted to buy this stuff, I can't afford it.
But also just to be clear, I realise this post may make me a little bit unpopular, but it is just my rant and I always appreciate any comments, just try and remember I do have feelings and try not to go keyboard warrior on me.
Oh and I feel better now, back to my usual loving self.
Peace out
xxx
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Sunday, 21 August 2011
No Eggs, No Basket WTF?
You know the expression don't put all your eggs in one basket?Well what if you wake up one morning and fine some fucker has managed to find all your eggs and the basket and fucked off with the lot?
Maybe I should explain??? Here goes....
So after going to bed at what I thought was a pretty reasonable time of 11pm, I then woke up at 4.30am and realised I have completely stuffed my sleep cycle. 6 months of basically only napping during the day and at night so I could be online to talk to my "boyfriend" who lives in the UK when he was online, has really taken it's toll. Now I have to stay awake all day despite not getting enough sleep to try and alter my completely random sleeping pattern.
And while we are on the subject of the "boyfriend" who, I was so eager to go and see this time last week, he has now become the ex-boyfriend. In this very public forum all I will say is that we had an argument, and it didn't end well. In fact it ended with him deciding it was over. Which was pretty heart breaking at the time but now, at only just over 24 hours later, seems petty and ridiculous. Regardless of how I feel about him, in all honesty I can say now it probably wouldn't have worked between us anyway. But I did gain a lot from relationship and I learnt some pretty awesome things about myself. Plus now I feel that a lot of my trust issues have subsided. I mean really, if I can trust a guy who lives a million miles away, I will be able to trust the next guy who comes along who (hopefully) lives in the same city as me.
Then imagine my shock and horror when I opened my door this morning to C dropping off my child and looking at her for what felt like the first time in 6 months. I mean like really looking at her. Realising that I have been so tired and grumpy for the last 6 months that I became complacent as a mother. She is my kid, she will always be there and will always love me and I forgot that we used to be buddies. We used to hang out together and have fun, now she is reluctant to spend time with me. To be honest I don't blame her. It's time to get my little buddy back.
The final thing? I open my book that I once slaved over and it consumed my creative soul and realise that it has been months since I looked at it properly. My last effort of work glares back at me with ill-concealed contempt. It's bad, really bad and I remember writing it. That's the worse part, I remember struggling to put each word on the screen. I feel physically ill at how I could let something I was so passionate about fall to pieces. So now I am editing like nobodies business. Which actually, feels kinda good.
So between the sleep, the ex, my buddy and my book, I feel like, some bastard stole my eggs and the basket too. It will be ok though, I have a plan and I'm going to put it into action. When I do, you can bet that this time those eggs and the basket will be guarded like fort knox. Lucy is back baby!
Ciao
xxxx
Maybe I should explain??? Here goes....
So after going to bed at what I thought was a pretty reasonable time of 11pm, I then woke up at 4.30am and realised I have completely stuffed my sleep cycle. 6 months of basically only napping during the day and at night so I could be online to talk to my "boyfriend" who lives in the UK when he was online, has really taken it's toll. Now I have to stay awake all day despite not getting enough sleep to try and alter my completely random sleeping pattern.
And while we are on the subject of the "boyfriend" who, I was so eager to go and see this time last week, he has now become the ex-boyfriend. In this very public forum all I will say is that we had an argument, and it didn't end well. In fact it ended with him deciding it was over. Which was pretty heart breaking at the time but now, at only just over 24 hours later, seems petty and ridiculous. Regardless of how I feel about him, in all honesty I can say now it probably wouldn't have worked between us anyway. But I did gain a lot from relationship and I learnt some pretty awesome things about myself. Plus now I feel that a lot of my trust issues have subsided. I mean really, if I can trust a guy who lives a million miles away, I will be able to trust the next guy who comes along who (hopefully) lives in the same city as me.
Then imagine my shock and horror when I opened my door this morning to C dropping off my child and looking at her for what felt like the first time in 6 months. I mean like really looking at her. Realising that I have been so tired and grumpy for the last 6 months that I became complacent as a mother. She is my kid, she will always be there and will always love me and I forgot that we used to be buddies. We used to hang out together and have fun, now she is reluctant to spend time with me. To be honest I don't blame her. It's time to get my little buddy back.
The final thing? I open my book that I once slaved over and it consumed my creative soul and realise that it has been months since I looked at it properly. My last effort of work glares back at me with ill-concealed contempt. It's bad, really bad and I remember writing it. That's the worse part, I remember struggling to put each word on the screen. I feel physically ill at how I could let something I was so passionate about fall to pieces. So now I am editing like nobodies business. Which actually, feels kinda good.
So between the sleep, the ex, my buddy and my book, I feel like, some bastard stole my eggs and the basket too. It will be ok though, I have a plan and I'm going to put it into action. When I do, you can bet that this time those eggs and the basket will be guarded like fort knox. Lucy is back baby!
Ciao
xxxx
Friday, 19 August 2011
I'm trying to contain my excitement.....unsuccessfully
As the title of this blog implies, something has gotten me way more excited this week than usual and I am having trouble containing it. This news has my closest friends saying "woohoo Lucy!" and my extremely tolerant boyfriend laughing his ass off.
Some of you know that in October, boyfriend (mentioned above) was supposed to come visit me and that in itself was very exciting. Unfortunately due to unforeseen events this was made impossible. This was a crushing blow that definitely left me in the down and dreary pile for a long time. But we had something to look forward to, I was going to visit him in March next year and we would hold out until then.
Meanwhile plans had been made to visit my super awesome best friend, Krystal, in Tasmania for Christmas since I would be sans-spawn for the holiday season. This in itself was made more exciting by the announcement that said best friend had gotten engaged to her super awesome boyfriend, Jason. Add to that my new role as not only best friend, but also Maid of Honour (woot!) and my Christmas was looking pretty awesome.
So discussion between C (Father of my child) and I centred around whether my trip in March would be possible and it seemed to be just a bit inconvenient for him but I was unwilling to delay my trip for any longer. To the rescue! Super awesome best friend, Krystal, suggests the idea of me going to visit boyfriend instead of coming to her for Christmas. Many Many phone conversations later and it is decided...
I AM GOING TO THE UK FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
So there you have it folks, one happy Lucy, One laughing his ass of at my excitement boyfriend and close friends saying "woohoo Lucy!"
Love muchly
xxxx
Some of you know that in October, boyfriend (mentioned above) was supposed to come visit me and that in itself was very exciting. Unfortunately due to unforeseen events this was made impossible. This was a crushing blow that definitely left me in the down and dreary pile for a long time. But we had something to look forward to, I was going to visit him in March next year and we would hold out until then.
Meanwhile plans had been made to visit my super awesome best friend, Krystal, in Tasmania for Christmas since I would be sans-spawn for the holiday season. This in itself was made more exciting by the announcement that said best friend had gotten engaged to her super awesome boyfriend, Jason. Add to that my new role as not only best friend, but also Maid of Honour (woot!) and my Christmas was looking pretty awesome.
So discussion between C (Father of my child) and I centred around whether my trip in March would be possible and it seemed to be just a bit inconvenient for him but I was unwilling to delay my trip for any longer. To the rescue! Super awesome best friend, Krystal, suggests the idea of me going to visit boyfriend instead of coming to her for Christmas. Many Many phone conversations later and it is decided...
I AM GOING TO THE UK FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
So there you have it folks, one happy Lucy, One laughing his ass of at my excitement boyfriend and close friends saying "woohoo Lucy!"
Love muchly
xxxx
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
The Unexplained Absence
Hello my name is Lucy and I am a terrible blogger.
Looking back at my blog and realising the last time I wrote anything was the 12th of June was a bit of a shock for me. When I first started blogging my intention was to blog 3 or 4 times a week. Oops!
I wish I could say it's because I have been working on my book, but truthfully it's because I have had a lot of stuff going on and have been in a dark frame of mind. In short my world has been tumbling down around my ears and telling everyone how I was failing at keeping my head above water seemed like something no-one else would want to read.
So what's changed? Nothing really, I'm still struggling but I have always used writing as a way to get through it and the last time I didn't it was disastrous. So today I have been re-reading over the work in my book and reading some of my friend's fabulous blogs and I felt brave enough to tell you all a little of what is going on with me.
I've always been part of the school of thought that life is not easy, and if it was it wouldn't be worth it. But the challenges that have been thrown at me lately have been just too much. Simple problems have seemed to huge and the huge problems have been weighing me down like a tonne of bricks. I have struggled everyday to find the good stuff. That's not to say I haven't found them, more that they had to jump out and attack me for me to see them. My daughter, my boyfriend, my family and my closest friends have all had to be in my face screaming that they love me for me to notice. Sometimes quite literally.
I've been my usual self-doubting, self-loathing and self-destructive self through all of it. I pushed away the people who cared about me most, refused to see what others see in me and cursed myself in the mirror. My self confidence is something I always deal with. For example my life always seems to be the one that others compare theirs to, to make themselves feel better.
Like, your boyfriend works away? It could be worse, Lucy's boyfriend lives across the other side of the world.
You're a single parent? You could meet someone and play happy families, Lucy is staying that way indefinitely.
You feel depressed? Lucy has bi-polar.
You're broke? Lucy has people who owe her money that are refusing to pay it back.
You feel like your friends have abandoned you? Lots of Lucy's "friends" are ignoring her. (the friends I do have that aren't ignoring me are quite obviously my true friends, but it still hurts to have phone calls and messages un-returned)
It goes on but I won't bore you with more of the details. But it goes without saying that I have been pretty down on myself. It's made me re-think whether I can handle not taking my bi-polar medication. Maybe it's time for me to admit that I can't deal with this and the medication may be the best thing I can do, not only for me but for the people that love me too.
With that said there are a few people I would like to say thankyou to, for both the sympathy and the multiple kicks in the butt.
Bri- Thanks for mopping up my tears and letting me lean when I needed to lean. And making me laugh when I thought there was no more giggles left inside of me.
Josie - thanks for not letting me get away with shit.
Jen- thanks for the supportive ear and the long distance hugs.
Rob- Thanks for always trying to remind me that there is a reason you love me, with hard ass attitude and soft, caring and gentle reminders.
Clinton- For being the one who doesn't tolerate my bullshit and reminds me of the important things.
Krystal- For making me laugh, cry and scream and picking me up when I'm not strong enough to get up on my own.
CJ- For just treating me as he always does no matter what. Sometimes that is important.
Dad - For telling me how much he loves me 2 days before I needed it.
Lily- for unconditional love that is innocent and pure.
and last but never least
Mum- For knocking me down, picking me up, cheering me on and sharing more than she is comfortable with in order to make me see the truth. Cos we all know that the truth is not always pretty but is always needed.
These are the people that remind me that I am here and it's better than the alternative. Other people touch my life on a regular basis, but these people have a huge impact and sometimes in my pit of despair I take them for granted and forget to say thankyou. It's easy to get bogged down in what is so shit about my life and hard to remember what is good. You guys are the reason there is a ray of sunshine on my darkest days.
See you soon
xxx
Looking back at my blog and realising the last time I wrote anything was the 12th of June was a bit of a shock for me. When I first started blogging my intention was to blog 3 or 4 times a week. Oops!
I wish I could say it's because I have been working on my book, but truthfully it's because I have had a lot of stuff going on and have been in a dark frame of mind. In short my world has been tumbling down around my ears and telling everyone how I was failing at keeping my head above water seemed like something no-one else would want to read.
So what's changed? Nothing really, I'm still struggling but I have always used writing as a way to get through it and the last time I didn't it was disastrous. So today I have been re-reading over the work in my book and reading some of my friend's fabulous blogs and I felt brave enough to tell you all a little of what is going on with me.
I've always been part of the school of thought that life is not easy, and if it was it wouldn't be worth it. But the challenges that have been thrown at me lately have been just too much. Simple problems have seemed to huge and the huge problems have been weighing me down like a tonne of bricks. I have struggled everyday to find the good stuff. That's not to say I haven't found them, more that they had to jump out and attack me for me to see them. My daughter, my boyfriend, my family and my closest friends have all had to be in my face screaming that they love me for me to notice. Sometimes quite literally.
I've been my usual self-doubting, self-loathing and self-destructive self through all of it. I pushed away the people who cared about me most, refused to see what others see in me and cursed myself in the mirror. My self confidence is something I always deal with. For example my life always seems to be the one that others compare theirs to, to make themselves feel better.
Like, your boyfriend works away? It could be worse, Lucy's boyfriend lives across the other side of the world.
You're a single parent? You could meet someone and play happy families, Lucy is staying that way indefinitely.
You feel depressed? Lucy has bi-polar.
You're broke? Lucy has people who owe her money that are refusing to pay it back.
You feel like your friends have abandoned you? Lots of Lucy's "friends" are ignoring her. (the friends I do have that aren't ignoring me are quite obviously my true friends, but it still hurts to have phone calls and messages un-returned)
It goes on but I won't bore you with more of the details. But it goes without saying that I have been pretty down on myself. It's made me re-think whether I can handle not taking my bi-polar medication. Maybe it's time for me to admit that I can't deal with this and the medication may be the best thing I can do, not only for me but for the people that love me too.
With that said there are a few people I would like to say thankyou to, for both the sympathy and the multiple kicks in the butt.
Bri- Thanks for mopping up my tears and letting me lean when I needed to lean. And making me laugh when I thought there was no more giggles left inside of me.
Josie - thanks for not letting me get away with shit.
Jen- thanks for the supportive ear and the long distance hugs.
Rob- Thanks for always trying to remind me that there is a reason you love me, with hard ass attitude and soft, caring and gentle reminders.
Clinton- For being the one who doesn't tolerate my bullshit and reminds me of the important things.
Krystal- For making me laugh, cry and scream and picking me up when I'm not strong enough to get up on my own.
CJ- For just treating me as he always does no matter what. Sometimes that is important.
Dad - For telling me how much he loves me 2 days before I needed it.
Lily- for unconditional love that is innocent and pure.
and last but never least
Mum- For knocking me down, picking me up, cheering me on and sharing more than she is comfortable with in order to make me see the truth. Cos we all know that the truth is not always pretty but is always needed.
These are the people that remind me that I am here and it's better than the alternative. Other people touch my life on a regular basis, but these people have a huge impact and sometimes in my pit of despair I take them for granted and forget to say thankyou. It's easy to get bogged down in what is so shit about my life and hard to remember what is good. You guys are the reason there is a ray of sunshine on my darkest days.
See you soon
xxx
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Friendship
I tried to think of some witty title for this post or even a funny first line, truth is I am finding more and more that friendship is something I take way too seriously to make light of. Recent events in my life have me questioning exactly what it is that I bring to friendships and what friendship means to me. My mum always told me it was better to have no friends than to have friends I couldn't trust.
She was right. And yet, I still have friends that I am never sure what their motives are. It could be me just being paranoid, but sometimes friends do stab others in the back. And it's not always the ones you hold at arms length. Friends that know everything about you have more potential to hurt you than anyone else. Kind of like how the people who know you best know exactly what to say to hurt you.
I like to think I am a pretty good friend. I can be slack in keeping in touch and catching up often, but call me and say you need me? I'm on my way before the call has ended. Need cheering up? I'll go out and get my crunk on and help you drown your tears in tequila, or stay home and watch movies while eating chocolate and bitching about whoever it was that hurt you. I'll even pick you up from the hospital or jail or even the side of the road if that's what it takes, cos that's what friends are for, right? Or even sit for hours at the end of a call listening to tears and offering words of support. Bottom line is, those situations are where I prove just how good of a friend I am. there will be no hesitation on my end at all. But day to day I get bogged down with my own stuff and I don't always call or visit or in some cases, write. But I love my friends and I would do a lot for them.
I would never ask a friend to give up their own happiness for me. No matter how much it hurt me. But is that me, or is it friendship? When my best friend moved to Tassie, I wanted her to stay in WA so badly, but I wanted her to be happy more. And now she is. That makes me happy. But where do you draw the line? When is it ok to go after something you know will hurt someone just because you think it's what you want? When do you put friendship on the line for your own needs/wants? But most importantly when is it ok to stand up and say, your actions WILL hurt me and our friendship might not survive that?
Maybe it's a dependent upon the situation, or on what level you hold your friendship. All I know is, this little black duck has put more than one friend's happiness ahead of her own more times than she can count.
For now, I will keep plodding along wondering if I will ever truly understand the complexity that is friendship. But I will have fun figuring it out with the friends I have.
Live long and prosper
xxx
She was right. And yet, I still have friends that I am never sure what their motives are. It could be me just being paranoid, but sometimes friends do stab others in the back. And it's not always the ones you hold at arms length. Friends that know everything about you have more potential to hurt you than anyone else. Kind of like how the people who know you best know exactly what to say to hurt you.
I like to think I am a pretty good friend. I can be slack in keeping in touch and catching up often, but call me and say you need me? I'm on my way before the call has ended. Need cheering up? I'll go out and get my crunk on and help you drown your tears in tequila, or stay home and watch movies while eating chocolate and bitching about whoever it was that hurt you. I'll even pick you up from the hospital or jail or even the side of the road if that's what it takes, cos that's what friends are for, right? Or even sit for hours at the end of a call listening to tears and offering words of support. Bottom line is, those situations are where I prove just how good of a friend I am. there will be no hesitation on my end at all. But day to day I get bogged down with my own stuff and I don't always call or visit or in some cases, write. But I love my friends and I would do a lot for them.
I would never ask a friend to give up their own happiness for me. No matter how much it hurt me. But is that me, or is it friendship? When my best friend moved to Tassie, I wanted her to stay in WA so badly, but I wanted her to be happy more. And now she is. That makes me happy. But where do you draw the line? When is it ok to go after something you know will hurt someone just because you think it's what you want? When do you put friendship on the line for your own needs/wants? But most importantly when is it ok to stand up and say, your actions WILL hurt me and our friendship might not survive that?
Maybe it's a dependent upon the situation, or on what level you hold your friendship. All I know is, this little black duck has put more than one friend's happiness ahead of her own more times than she can count.
For now, I will keep plodding along wondering if I will ever truly understand the complexity that is friendship. But I will have fun figuring it out with the friends I have.
Live long and prosper
xxx
Monday, 23 May 2011
One of THOSE days
Every so often I have a day which for some inexplicable reason puts me in a mood that can only be described as the lowest of lows. I used to try and hide it. I felt shameful that I wasn't happy everyday or even just content. Now, I know that is just ridiculous. Most people have days when they don't want to get out of bed and face the world. Unfortunately when I have one of these days, I really can't afford the luxury of laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself.
Now hold onto your hats folks, because this is about to get heavy.
I can't remember a time when I didn't deal with depression. My mum says I was a happy kid, but I can remember the feeling of a black cloud hanging over me as well as I can remember the day I got stuck on top of the monkey bars when I was 5. When I was a teenager I was a pain in the ass to live with. My depression had me acting out and trying to hurt the people who loved me. Kind of like a test, to see just how much i could get away with before they would stop loving me. Of course I realise this now. Back then even I don't know what I was thinking.
The first time I was put on anti-depressants was when I was 19. Before that my mother had taken me to the local GP in the small town we lived in and had me put on the pill to try to regulate "my mood swings." As it turns out these "mood swings" weren't because I was going through puberty and will most probably continue for the rest of my life.
A couple of months after I went on anti-depressants my doctor discovered I had an under-active thyroid. This can also contribute to messed up hormone levels. Not to mention the excess weight I had steadily put on since I was a teenager. Not realising how serious my condition was I stopped taking my thyroid medication.
Fast forward a couple of years down the track and I was off all medication and had just found out I was pregnant with Lily. The doctor put me back on thyroid medication (an inactive thyroid can seriously hinder a baby's brain development during pregnancy) and throughout the course of my pregnancy I lost a staggering 30kgs. Not too mention it was the happiest anyone I knew had ever seen me. Apparently being pregnant really agreed with me.
But when Lily was born the doctor put me on the mini pill. A brief period of hell and we discovered that I had postnatal depression and and form of contraceptive pill will make my depression worse.
Eventually, when Lily was 3, I finally met a doctor who listened to my extensive medical history and diagnosed me with bi-polar. People ask me how I felt when I was given that diagnosis. Truth is I had started to suspect this was the case after watching a documentary by Stephen Fry on his own battle with the disease. Scary similarities in that one let me tell you. So when the doctor shared his diagnosis, all I felt was relief. Now I knew what was wrong with me I could deal with it. Sure it was scary but after so long of feeling like I had no control, I suddenly had the bull by the horns. The doctor put me on some meds but I had an allergic reaction to it so he advised me to stop taking them and in a couple of weeks we would find a new pill.
Other health issues had me consulting a new doctor who did blood test and found out I was vitamin D deficient as well. For the first time a doctor asked me if I would like a script or if I would like to try and deal with my condition without medication. That was a shock. By all accounts someone with mental illness should definitely be on medication and I am in no way advocating going without the drugs for anyone else. However my doctor and I have come up with a plan to try and combat something which has haunted me my whole life. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say on most days I handle my illness very well.
Days like today they come and go. Some things do trigger these days and I try to remind myself that they will pass. I think of all the things I have to be grateful for and hang on for the ride. Bi-Polar is not like some other forms of depression where you can snap yourself out of it, you just have to hang in there or be medicated. So for as long as I choose not to be medicated, I will hang in there.
Thanks for reading
xxx
Now hold onto your hats folks, because this is about to get heavy.
I can't remember a time when I didn't deal with depression. My mum says I was a happy kid, but I can remember the feeling of a black cloud hanging over me as well as I can remember the day I got stuck on top of the monkey bars when I was 5. When I was a teenager I was a pain in the ass to live with. My depression had me acting out and trying to hurt the people who loved me. Kind of like a test, to see just how much i could get away with before they would stop loving me. Of course I realise this now. Back then even I don't know what I was thinking.
The first time I was put on anti-depressants was when I was 19. Before that my mother had taken me to the local GP in the small town we lived in and had me put on the pill to try to regulate "my mood swings." As it turns out these "mood swings" weren't because I was going through puberty and will most probably continue for the rest of my life.
A couple of months after I went on anti-depressants my doctor discovered I had an under-active thyroid. This can also contribute to messed up hormone levels. Not to mention the excess weight I had steadily put on since I was a teenager. Not realising how serious my condition was I stopped taking my thyroid medication.
Fast forward a couple of years down the track and I was off all medication and had just found out I was pregnant with Lily. The doctor put me back on thyroid medication (an inactive thyroid can seriously hinder a baby's brain development during pregnancy) and throughout the course of my pregnancy I lost a staggering 30kgs. Not too mention it was the happiest anyone I knew had ever seen me. Apparently being pregnant really agreed with me.
But when Lily was born the doctor put me on the mini pill. A brief period of hell and we discovered that I had postnatal depression and and form of contraceptive pill will make my depression worse.
Eventually, when Lily was 3, I finally met a doctor who listened to my extensive medical history and diagnosed me with bi-polar. People ask me how I felt when I was given that diagnosis. Truth is I had started to suspect this was the case after watching a documentary by Stephen Fry on his own battle with the disease. Scary similarities in that one let me tell you. So when the doctor shared his diagnosis, all I felt was relief. Now I knew what was wrong with me I could deal with it. Sure it was scary but after so long of feeling like I had no control, I suddenly had the bull by the horns. The doctor put me on some meds but I had an allergic reaction to it so he advised me to stop taking them and in a couple of weeks we would find a new pill.
Other health issues had me consulting a new doctor who did blood test and found out I was vitamin D deficient as well. For the first time a doctor asked me if I would like a script or if I would like to try and deal with my condition without medication. That was a shock. By all accounts someone with mental illness should definitely be on medication and I am in no way advocating going without the drugs for anyone else. However my doctor and I have come up with a plan to try and combat something which has haunted me my whole life. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say on most days I handle my illness very well.
Days like today they come and go. Some things do trigger these days and I try to remind myself that they will pass. I think of all the things I have to be grateful for and hang on for the ride. Bi-Polar is not like some other forms of depression where you can snap yourself out of it, you just have to hang in there or be medicated. So for as long as I choose not to be medicated, I will hang in there.
Thanks for reading
xxx
Friday, 20 May 2011
Tonight I Burnt The Pizza
The title of this post may seem trivial, but after weeks of having no inspiration at all looking at the blackened round little pizzas it was like something clicked in my mind.
My daughter is a creature of simple tastes, she likes tv, chocolate, fanta, chicken nuggets, apples and mini pizzas. A trend I am sure will not continue through her life as already the dreaded fashion monster is rearing his ugly head. But more on that later.
Most of the time I battle to try and get her to eat something other than the junky food she likes but tonight I was feeling lazy, so I went to the freezer and pulled out (shock horror) a ham and pineapple mini pizza. I put it in the oven with absolutely none of the finesse of a french chef and promptly forgot about it. That is until a little voice drifted to me "I can smell my pizza cooking" (insert expletive here!)
A mad dash to the kitchen was actually quiet pointless because the pizza was charcoal and for a brief second i wondered if she would eat it. LOL
So now I have more pizza cooking and even though maybe this was a sign to get off my lazy butt and cook her something decent, I am choosing to take it as a sign that it is time to get back to my writing. See how that works out to my benefit? You like what I did there?
There are many things I love writing about. I love writing about the way the rain looks pouring down outside my bedroom window in the afternoon, or how pretty the stars are at night when you are in the middle of nowhere. I like replying to text messages and making my friends laugh. I love writing to my boyfriend and telling him about my day.
But I love writing about my girl most of all. Every now and then I am reminded of how she has this unique personality. A blending of her dad, her step-mum and me. But there is something else there. Something that is purely Lily. Like when she looks me dead in the eye and tells me that you CAN wear blue socks with pink shoes. ( There is that fashion thing I was telling you about) Or when she thinks no-one is watching and she twirls on the spot because she is happy. Some may say it's innocence, but I hope it's not. I hope that one day when she is my age I will catch her twirling on the spot because she is happy and will remember writing this.
Meanwhile the second lot of pizza is cooked, served and being munched on with a big tomato grin plastered on a 4 year old's face. And maybe I should feel bad that my daughter isn't eating a nutritious dinner tonight. Instead I hope I catch her twirling.
Goodnight Bright Stars
xxx
My daughter is a creature of simple tastes, she likes tv, chocolate, fanta, chicken nuggets, apples and mini pizzas. A trend I am sure will not continue through her life as already the dreaded fashion monster is rearing his ugly head. But more on that later.
Most of the time I battle to try and get her to eat something other than the junky food she likes but tonight I was feeling lazy, so I went to the freezer and pulled out (shock horror) a ham and pineapple mini pizza. I put it in the oven with absolutely none of the finesse of a french chef and promptly forgot about it. That is until a little voice drifted to me "I can smell my pizza cooking" (insert expletive here!)
A mad dash to the kitchen was actually quiet pointless because the pizza was charcoal and for a brief second i wondered if she would eat it. LOL
So now I have more pizza cooking and even though maybe this was a sign to get off my lazy butt and cook her something decent, I am choosing to take it as a sign that it is time to get back to my writing. See how that works out to my benefit? You like what I did there?
There are many things I love writing about. I love writing about the way the rain looks pouring down outside my bedroom window in the afternoon, or how pretty the stars are at night when you are in the middle of nowhere. I like replying to text messages and making my friends laugh. I love writing to my boyfriend and telling him about my day.
But I love writing about my girl most of all. Every now and then I am reminded of how she has this unique personality. A blending of her dad, her step-mum and me. But there is something else there. Something that is purely Lily. Like when she looks me dead in the eye and tells me that you CAN wear blue socks with pink shoes. ( There is that fashion thing I was telling you about) Or when she thinks no-one is watching and she twirls on the spot because she is happy. Some may say it's innocence, but I hope it's not. I hope that one day when she is my age I will catch her twirling on the spot because she is happy and will remember writing this.
Meanwhile the second lot of pizza is cooked, served and being munched on with a big tomato grin plastered on a 4 year old's face. And maybe I should feel bad that my daughter isn't eating a nutritious dinner tonight. Instead I hope I catch her twirling.
Goodnight Bright Stars
xxx
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